5.08.2007

Internal Happenings...
Hey everyone. I am sorry it took me so long to post a new blog entry. The truth is, I haven't had much going on in my life, other than a lot of internal thoughts, struggles, and feelings, and I wasn't too quick to talk these things out to the blog world.
I have been seeing a counselor for the last 10 months and have talked about things relating to what I am passionate about. The reason I started going was because I had no clue of what I was passionate about. The discovery of my passions led me to go to Africa to investigate those discoveries and to find some sort of confirmation for those. After returning from Africa, I have been dealing with a lot of thoughts and questions I have had about my life, about who I REALLY am, why I went out to Africa, how and when is God going to use me, will He actually use me for anything, am I usable, etc. There were so many questions that I had no answers to. This led me to begin a journey of honesty to myself, to God, and to certain people in my life. Apparently when you are honest, it opens up a lot of cans of worms and other things that have been buried for awhile.
So, two weeks ago, I went into a session with my counselor for the first time since I had returned from Kenya with hopes of talking about my time in Africa and not about what I was dealing with in recent times. BUT, because I had started a journey of honesty, I needed to continue it with putting talks of Kenya on a back burner and really go right into all I have been dealing with.

After the meeting with him, my counselor said he learned more about me in that one session then all of the past sessions over the last 9 months. Fast-forward to today... I learned more about myself then I have over the last 27 years of my life. It was crazy. We began opening old wounds that I never really knew were there and that was SO difficult to do. I must say, however, it was already a liberating experience because over the last 5 years, I have really felt like I was crazy. I would do certain things, or think certain things, or react in certain ways or feel certain things, and I never knew why I felt that way. There was always a disconnection to reality for me so I felt like I was crazy...until today. Today, there were finally connections made to my past and questions of 'why' were answered. Yeah, there is still a lot to unpack and go through, but I now can move ahead knowing that: 1. I am not crazy, 2. There is always a cause for every hurt in our life, and 3. God has a passion just brewing in me related to my hurts and pains that He "plans" on using in the future for His name to be blessed and to help others.

I am on a journey toward health and it started with me being honest with myself, honest with God, and honest with a few close people in my life. I want to encourage you to do the same. Its not easy, but it is worth it. It is worth it if God can use you to your utmost capability through it all. I love you guys and am so blessed to have people in my life that care about me, that are concerned with how I am doing, and encourage me to desire greatness.


11 comments:

Topher said...

Dude that is awesome! I am so glad to (a) read such an honest and open blog post
(b) about a topic that is so real and that involves healing
(c) in one of my best friend's life

I'm excited for your healing Josh. I have always been a huge fan of yours in the sense that you just have an amazing heart and no matter where you turn people are blessed. God is so good and I look forward to seeing each piece of His plan for your life unfold.

Annie Summers said...

Josh, this is awesome! I know that it hurts to be honest with yourself somtimes, but you are so right in saying that God puts those hurts in your life to use them later. I am so excited to see where God uses you!

Cathi said...

Praying for you Josh- I'm so happy for you.

Courtney said...

YEA!!! I'm SO happy for you! Love you tons!

Alli Hibb said...

Thanks for blogging, finally...and thanks for being so open!

I'm still a little mad that you said no to going to Kenya with me...

E.Money said...

josh, you are incredible. i am lucky we are friends!!

Kevin said...

Refreshing to see a non-ministry or humor related post. Thanks, Josh!

Allie said...

you're so great. i love you friend!

andrea said...

Hi Josh. I liked your post. You have hit a landmark in your healing journey... You will never be able to go back to hiding reality because you have found pure love in honesty. I've been there... it is hard... and will probably lead you to feeling more wounds. BUT it only leads you to places of freedom and wholeness. I'm proud of you for choosing this journey. You are very brave.

Keisha Rae said...

hi, you should listen to the song "Restore Me" by Anthony Evans..i think you will enjoy it...thats all

Angerson said...

Wow -- it's rare to read a blunt and honest blog like this...love it. congrats Josh -- it'll be cool to see how God uses you through this:)